Who’s watching Planet Hollywood?

I saw Watchmen the other night. On an IMAX screen, which was a treat. I enjoyed it. I’ve not read the comic. Someone, somewhere is going nuts now. Graphic novel! Graphic novel! Well, I haven’t read that either. But surely nothing can compete with a big blue nuddy man on an Imax screen, no matter how great the comic is. If only he’d put on some pants the film could possibly have got away with a 15 certificate (ok, ok, I know, there’s near rape, and a man covered in chip oil… but you get that in your average Pixar offering these days). It just seems a shame to prevent the audience who’ll most enjoy seeking a latex clad Silk Spectre kick mens teeth out, ie. 15 year old boys, from seeing the spectacle.

Enough of that though. This isn’t meant to be a review. No, it’s more than that. The film takes place in the mid 80’s; a time when the world became a big bloated corporation and everyone lived in fear of being destroyed by the WMD’s of the day- nuclear weapons. The Watchmen of the title are a group of “superheroes” who aren’t all that super. They’re essentially impotent thugs (well, at least Night Owl), who have to dress up and be uber-violent to get their kicks. And, understandably, they’ve become a bit unwanted and redundant. But they team up again, and as the world heads towards destruction, they do their damndest to sort things out. Any more information and I’ll spoil it for you. And, as I said, this isn’t a review. All of this is a prelude to a most pressing question- why has Planet Hollywood closed?

Planet Hollywood! A restaurant owned by our very own 80’s superheroes. Three men who had to dress up and be uber-violent to get their kicks. One in metal and leather, laying down the “la-aw” as Judge Dredd, another in shiny metal as an anti-superero who makes the Comedian look as dangerous as Bernard Manning (which is still, let’s face it, pretty dangerous), namely The Terminator, and the third in a dirty vest as John Mclaine. Ok, not quite as impressive, but he did have the best catchphrase- take your pick; Yippee-kay-aye motherfucker (if that’s too much for you try the rather odd sanitised version- yippee-kay-aye Kemo Sabi). Superheroes three- Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenneger, Bruce Willis.

Like the Watchmen, once their stars began to wane they had little choice but to slowly disappear from their superhero onscreen lives. But everyone’s got to earn a living. That’s why they got into the restaurant business. You could often see them in the kitchens of Planet Hollywood, flipping burgers and wise-cracking with each other; “Hasta la pasta”, “I’ll be back… in the kitchen”, that kind of thing.

And now Planet Hollywood has gone, only to become a repository for teddy bears in bearskins and reflected glories of non-ass kicking Mamma Mia melodies. The credit crunch? I think not. Times ahead are going to be tough. And when the going gets tough, and us mere mortals can’t stand the heat, that’s when the tough get out of the kitchen. Welcome back boys!