Over the past few years, in the build up to Christmas, I have been reviewing the Top Ten Comedy DVDs to help you make those difficult Christmas present choices. I’ve left it a bit late this year, but here goes: all ten in one go.

And here (for those new to this exercise in futility) are the rules: The Top Ten is taking from today’s Amazon Stand-Up comedy recommendations. I’ve not watched any of them. I don’t read anything about them. I merely look at the covers (pictures of the covers) and come to undoubtedly unfair conclusions. Yes, I am judging a comedy DVD by its cover.

That’s it. Happy shopping. Let’s countdown!

10: Nina Conti

Nina conti 2

Nina Conti

Nina Conti is “Brilliantly funny, outrageously hilarious”. But we don’t know who said this. Perhaps it was her dad, the Liverpool boxer John Conti.

It’s a “live” DVD but I cannot tell you where from. The show is called “Dolly Mixtures”. I remember Dolly Mixtures from my childhood. They were/are sweets. Nina’s teeth are perfect suggesting she doesn’t eat them, or she brushes well. Her smile is rigid. If I were Sherlock Holmes I would put this with the puppets below and conclude that she is a ventriloquist with a penchant for confectionery nostalgia. Suitable for 15 year olds and above.

9: Harry Hill

Harry Hill

Harry Hill

No. 9 is Harry Hill. He is the “Lord of Misrule” and this is his return to stand up. It is also a “Brand New Live Show”. Unlike Nina’s we know the location of this live show. It is Leeds. The show is called “Sausage Time” and the cover suggests the sausages that are taking up the time are meat sausages and also “sausage” dogs; dogs resembling sausages in shape alone.

This DVD is suitable for anyone above the age of 12.

8: Frank Skinner

Frank Skinner

Frank Skinner

Well now, this is fascinating. It’s that rare thing in the world of stand-up comedy DVD cover art; something that looks, almost, well… designed. As if someone has put some thought into it.

Here’s what we know for sure. It’s Frank Skinner “live”. Location unknown. The show is called “Man in a Suit”. The comedy comes from Frank being in a suit and a suit alone. No shirt, no tie. We cannot see, but I guess he has no shoes too. It’s traditional, it’s subversive. And possibly a little Christ-like.

The Mirror (representing the ordinary left-wing folk) call it “A masterclass in stand-up”. The Telegraph (representing the extraordinary right-wing folk) call it “Outrageously funny”. Something for everyone. Over 15.

And if you think you’ve seen that cover somewhere before, try this for size.

Frank Scanner

Frank Scanner

7: Roy Chubby Brown

Roy Chubby Brown

Roy Chubby Brown

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

18 and over.

6: Jim Davidson

Jim Davidson

Jim Davidson

Jim Davidson is “Back and Live”. We don’t know where he is live, or where he is back from. The quote from The Mirror (none from The Telegraph here) says “Standing ovation to packed houses every night” so perhaps Jim did a door to door tour.

The DVD is subtitled “No further action”, which is, I assume, an Operation Yewtree reference. Jim also reveals the “Unseen story of Celebrity Big Brother”, unseen by any who didn’t watch it.

He stands, cheekily, clutching his mic like a big cock whilst hiding his other hand in his pants! Spotlights play over his groin area, saucily. It’s a 15 and over affair.

5: Al Murray

Al Murray

Al Murray

Covers don’t come any better than this. It’s a work of art with something for everyone. Firstly, Al is painted. Take a close look; he could be by Michael Sowa, or a painteralike. That pint of beer is a masterpiece waiting to appear in an unwritten Paul Heaton drinking song.

Look at that maroon strip along the bottom; worthy of the discontinued range of HD DVDs (the ones that lost out in the 2008 BluRay/HD DVD war). It’s an all-new live show. We don’t know where, but look! A bonus is a full-length live show from somewhere we do know; Edinburgh.

The Times says; “Murray is on exuberant form, splashing the audience with both his beer and his ideas”. Yes, it’s an odd quote, but no doubt well meant.

The cover references the Carlo Goldoni classic, “Servant of Two Masters” (aka One Man, Two Guvnors”) and there is an added joke in the subtitle “20 years at the lager top”.

It is suitable for 15 years olds and it is 20 past one.

4: Still Game

Still Game

Still Game

I’m a little clueless on this one, but I think it may be Harry and Paul.

15 year olds welcome.

3: Jack Whitehall

Jack Whitehall

Jack Whitehall

Ah! Jack Whitehall! Frankly, I’ve never heard of him, but he must be a big cheese because he is “Live from Wembley Arena”. That’s a big place.

Going off his hi-tech microphone it’s possible that he may be connected in some way or another with Justin Bieber.

Minimal research shows that he is the son of someone.

15.

2: Russell Howard

Russell Howard

Russell Howard

Sorry folks. I’m really letting you down now. I haven’t a clue. Possibly Jack Whitehall’s son?

This guy could be an illusionist. He’s performing a ‘trick’ on the cover, making it look like he can hoverfloat a cup of coffee. Closer inspection shows that he is lying on the floor, shot from overhead.

This is “Wonderbox” live. We don’t know where live. My research yields no results for Wonderbox. I will have to hazard a guess that his Wonderbox is where he keeps his rabbits and his silk handkerchiefs.

Suitable for ages 15 and under.

1: Lee Mack

Lee Mack

Lee Mack

And back on dry land once again. I know where I am now. “Slick, sharp and very funny” Time Out says. Swearing too, which is good. But clearly no “cunts” as it is a 15 certificate.

It’s your traditional comedy cover, right down to missing foot behind a big ‘C’. Well done Lee.

But which is your favourite (and least favourite)?

Remember, play by the rules. Don’t pick your favourite comedian. Pick your favourite cover. Then least favourite.

 

 

 

 

 

Just walking

September 30, 2014

On Sunday I did some walking. And I was sort of paid for it. Crazy. You know that sponsoring thing, where people give money to a charity in return for you doing something arduous or stupid (like sitting in a bath full of lobsters or skipping up Ben Nevis)… well, I got away with raising a load of money for Alzheimer’s Society just by walking. Walking. Something I have to do anyway.

If it’s any consolation, I am a reluctant walker; I’m no fan. I look forward to the future when we all wear hover shoes, or have ball bearings for feet. Walking is overrated. Unless there’s a pub at the end of the walk.

So, me walking 10km, around a park! (I think parks are overrated too… well, not all parks. There’s some nice car parks around. Like this one:

Poor old Alf Roberts).

Back to the business. The walk I did was the Memory Walk. 10km around Victoria Park – I give in – it’s a lovely park. It’s about a mile from (appropriately) Mile End Road tube. So that’s another 2 miles I had to walk! Unsponsored too!

Once there, around the park we went. And it was a moving sight, to see all the folk with memory cards pinned to their backs; all the nans and grans and grandpas and mums and dads and friends who had been affected by this awful illness. I walked in memory of my wife’s Nan, May, and my friend Trev’s dad, Tudor.

And a huge thank you to all who supported me and so kindly and generously donated to Alzheimer’s Society. The final total raised, including the donations to the World Cup Tweepstake this July, is an incredible £2016.90. I hope I’ve managed to thank the Tweepstakers throughout the Tweepstake blog posts. And some of you Tweepstakers have been incredibly generous, donating again and again. To those who donated for the Memory Walk thank you thank you thank you. Thank you to:

Andy and Sarah, Beccy, Mel, Kevin, Allison, Louise, Debbie, Ivan, Gillian, Tim, Jason, Mary, Jane, Jenny, Jason, Andrea and Frank, Dave, Stuart, Elspeth, Jaq, Tom, Richard, Paul and Charlotte, Samantha, Tiggy, Rebecca, Angela, Mike, John, Sarah, Pete, Beth, Rachel, Jenny, Cecilia, Darren, Christian, Mo, Sam, Mark, Peter, Glenn, Lisa, James, Sarah, Trev, Dave, Richard, Sophie, and Paul.

A huge thank you. I take back all the cheap ‘jokes’ at the start of this post. x

Before the walk started I met Carrie Dunn, who walked on behalf of her Grandma. You can read her blog post about the event here.

And now, because I have finally found a way of getting the photos from my phone onto my computer, here’s a few snaps from the day.

IMAG0843

The Midwich Cuckoos

dog

the peleton

not sure if I'm at the front or back now

not the peleton

lost

lost

other charities are available

other charities are available

proof

proof

reward

reward

Let’s start with a song:

Ok, I’m not going to walk 500 miles. Or 500 miles more. (Let’s be honest, we don’t even know if Craig and Charlie Reid ever did; they’ve only ever said they would. Saying’s one thing, doing is another).

But I will do the 10km London Memory Walk to raise money for Alzheimer’s Society.

Yes! You heard right (read right?) I am gonna walk… 6 miles. About.

Yes yes yes. I know. 10km. Walking too. I’m hardly Izzard, or Walliams, or Bishop, or any of those idiots who really put themselves out. But… running’s tiring! And swimming’s hard! And my Peak Flow is down to 400 at the mo when really it should be all the way up at 600. It’ll be a wheeze!

Earlier in the year, during the World Cup, I organised a Tweepstake to raise money for Alzheimer’s Society (you can find out about that elsewhere on my blog- if you wish). The generosity of the folk who took part was astonishing. A handful of folk donated almost £1500 to the charity. Some of them are donating again, now, sponsoring me on the walk. Part of the reason (beyond the obvious reason of kindness and generosity) is to help me reach my target of £1966. We are now 84% of the way there; just under £300 to go.

And now, here’s my most unusual plea: Please tweepstakers, please don’t donate anymore. You have gone above and beyond the call of duty.

But… to the people reading this now who haven’t donated as yet, here is my simple plea: Please sponsor me 30p a km. Please donate £3 to Alzheimer’s Society. If all the people reading this now, who haven’t already donated, donate just £3 we will reach the target by the end of today.

Please click on this link to donate now.

Here’s something: Craig and Charlie Reid, Scottish, The Proclaimers. William and Jim Reid, Scottish, The Jesus and Mary Chain. Four brothers? Two singing about walking, the other two singing about tripping? That’s some sibling rivalry.

Let’s not beat about the bush. Germany won. @DarrenK73 won for Germany after downing a monstrous amount of German wine and beer and donating a small fortune to Alzheimer’s Society. In second place came a strong and unlucky Argentina and @joyfeed. Argentina had their chances but, as the game went into extra time, Germany brought on a small boy and he scored a wonder goal.

The small boy was fifteen year old Mario Gotze.

Super Mario

Super Mario

GERMANY 1 ARGENTINA 0

Everyone who took part in the Tweepstake will get something but do please bear with me. I am still waiting on some items and I also need to collect all your addresses. Everyone will get: a letter, a certificate, a gift. And, for that reason, I am not going to tell you where you came in the Tweepstake; it can be a nice (or not) surprise. (Of course you could look up your placing on the internet, but I bet half of you can’t be bothered… and the top four all know where they came. But, for example, without looking up, would you @Arfablue know that you had come last? Sorry to include plot spoilers. And if you are wondering what team that is, well, it’s Cameroon).

Along the way you all gave very generously to Alzheimer’s Society, some of you giving over and over. And can you believe that you lot have donated over £1300? A huge huge thank you.

And now please raise your glasses to toast Germany and Darren. And why not singalong to a hit-filled medley from Germany’s greatest Schlager singer (and, as I’ve just discovered, an influence on Klowz und Betty). Here’s Heino!

See you all next time! x

 

The last day. 32 days. 32 teams. 32 Tweepstakers.

Before we look ahead to the final let’s (if we dare) take a look at last night.

The host nation, Brazil, effectively won their match against Holland by only being beaten by a three goal margin. But, having said that, they did lose. It’s the first time since 1940 that Brazil has lost two matches back to back on home soil.

Three minutes in and they were a goal down. 16 minutes in and they were two-nil down. The third goal from Holland came in injury time. What kind of sick-minded ref chose to add five minutes of injury time onto this game? Like Brazil could come back? Well, enough is enough; it’s a sad end for the host nation and a fitting end for a fantastic Dutch team. Now Louis Van Gaal, the Holland coach, is off to Manchester to take care of United. Watch out Premiership!

Brazil (@Mojorainbw) 0 Holland (@Braggovic) 3

And so on to the big one. The final:

GERMANY (@DarrenK73)  v ARGENTINA (@joyfeed)

8pm. BBC. ITV. Estadio do Maracana in Rio de Janeiro. Now here’s the interesting thing; this is the third time these two have played in a World Cup final, and so far it’s 1-1 (Argentina won 3-2 in 1986 and Germany won 1-0 in 1990). Argentina will be looking for revenge for the last World Cup in 2010 when Germany knocked them out in the Quarter Finals 4-0!

Other boffiny facts: This will be Germany’s eighth final (so far they have won 3, lost 4); the four they have lost make them the champion losers, no other team having lost as many finals; however, should they go ahead and win tonight they will equal Italy (also with four wins); the only team with more – five World Cup titles – is Brazil!

Argentina need revenge for the last two World Cups. In 2006 and 2010 they were knocked out by the Germans! A hat-trick is unthinkable. Lionel Messi has failed to score in his last three games. A hat-trick is thinkable.

I can’t predict this one. it’s the final. It’s too important. And I will remain impartial. Darren and peter (@joyfeed) can battle it out between them. I will end, instead, on some fun tunes.

Here, for Germany, is one of the country’s top groups, Guano Apes, with Oh What a Night!

And here, for Argentina, with no attempt to tie it into the World Cup, is Argentinian pop group Babasonicus with Aduana de Palabras. I don’t know what it means. There is a man-cat in it.

Enjoy the game. Thank you all for taking part and helping raise in excess of £1100 for Alzheimer’s Society. I will be back tomorrow to sum it all up! (Oh, and if you remember, please DM your address if you were in the Tweepstake).

The football starts up again with the third place play-off, but is this a match anyone can get too excited about? Oh go on then, let’s do our best. Here we reluctantly go:

BRAZIL (@Mojorainbw)  v HOLLAND (@Braggovic)

9pm. ITV. Estadio Nacional de Brasilia in Brasilia. Coach Luiz Felipe Scolari is expected to make some changes for this match… ideally he’d be best off changing himself, and that may well come about within the next few days. Brazil’s captain, Thiago Silva, is back after his one match suspension, but will that be enough to help the team recover after their devastating 29-1 defeat at the hands of Germany. (Ok, I exaggerate, but not that much).

The Dutch coach, Louis van Gaal, sees the match as an irrelevance. He said: “There is only one award that counts and that is becoming world champions.” However, he also said: “The worst thing is that there is a chance you are going to lose twice in a row… And in a tournament in which you have played so marvellously well you go home as a loser.”

So, despite the irrelevance, both teams will no doubt find the idea of defeat unbearable. There’s only one option for this game and it won’t be pretty. It will be a 0-0 draw. And the same after extra time. And the same after penalties. The two teams, heartbroken in many different ways, will just keep on missing and missing and missing. There will be no goals. No celebrations. They will still be taking failed penalties when the next World Cup starts in 2018.

Still, chin up, and good game everyone.

Let’s end on a bit of fun. Who doesn’t love Lawineboys? Hell, they’re the Netherlands answer to Trev and Simon! Here they are eating raw fish and enjoying a drink or two as they sing Glass Omhoog (Voor Nederland):

To balance things out, here’s one for Brazil. It’s from Agridoce, a Brazilian folk duo also known as Pitty and Martin. Here they are singing, appropriately, The Smiths’ Please, Please, Please, Let me Get What I want. Though if they do, it won’t be the first time.

What’s the best way to follow a semi-final where 8 goals are scored in 90 minutes, the first 5 coming within the first half hour? How about a 2 hour goalless draw? In the end, the second semi-final between Holland and Argentina went down to penalties. And the score was:

HOLLAND 2 (P) ARGENTINA 4 (P)

I’m no expert, (Have I told you that over the last 29 days?) but I think Argentina had the edge over most of the game. Not that Louis Van Gaal, the Holland coach, would agree. He said: “At the very least we were equal with them, if not the better team.” Ok, but you still lose.

And so sadly we say goodbye to @Braggovic. Well, not quite. Holland must now face Brazil and @Mojorainbw in the third place play-off. What’s the point of that? At the risk of sounding like a mardy teenager from some weak teen comedy set a few years back “get over yourselves, losers!” Here’s something me and Louis agree on, Louis stating: “In a tournament you shouldn’t have players play a match for third or fourth place.There’s only one award that counts, and that’s being world champion.” But, for the sake of the Tweepstake, I am going to quickly change my mind. All the best @Braggovic and @Mojorainbw (and, for the sake of world peace Holland, let Brazil win).

But back to last night. What was Van Gaal thinking? He took Van Persie off shortly before the end, missing out on one of his best hopes of a penalty scorer; he used up all of his subs so he couldn’t put freakishly long-armed goalkeeper Krul on (who did such a good last minute job saving two penalties in the penalty shoot-out with Costa Rica in the quarter-final); he left  regular goalkeeper Jasper Cillessen to stay in goal for the penalty shoot-out (a goalkeeper who has never saved a penalty in his entire professional career!); and, when two of his strikers refused to take the first penalty, he said ok to that. Some of his decisions leave me feeling he was trying to win the match in the two hours of play!

Oddly, all the press attention over the two semi-finals seems to have focused on the losers. Let’s not forget that Argentina won last night. Argentina; a team managed by a former Sheffield United and Leeds United midfielder: Alejandro Sabella played for the two teams for a short period in the late 70’s and early 80’s before returning to his home country of Argentina. And that’s about as boffiny as I’m going to get on that one, choosing instead to return to some manager lookalikes.

Here’s Holland’s manager Louis Van Gaal:

Louis Van Gaal in Going Home?

Louis Van Gaal in Going Home?

And here’s flat-nosed Hollywood actor Jon Voight:

Jon Voight - The Champ or The Chump?

Jon Voight – The Champ or The Chump?

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “this is rubbish, he just picks any old men that are about the same age”. Well how about this one? Here’s Hollywood actor Jack Nicholson handling the truth:

"I can handle the truth!"

“I can handle the truth!”

And here’s Argentina’s coach, Alejandro Sabello at a press conference:

"No! I never met Brian Clough at Leeds United!"

“No! I never met Brian Clough at Leeds United!”

And that’s it for today. A few days off even. If you’ve just read this and have no idea what’s been going on for the last 29 days please sponsor me just for the hell of it here. The plan is to raise £1966 for Alzheimer’s Society. It’s like a sponsored thing, but without me doing anything too strenuous; just writing and looking for funny photos. Bye for now.

 

Unbelievable! Shocking! Have you all recovered? Everyone is asking the same question; How can Alan Hansen have such a good tan and such a white neck?

And how could the host nation, Brazil, be beaten by a bunch of Dennis the Menace lookalikes?

where's Gnasher?

where’s Gnasher?

Of course, we must be careful with our jokes here. It’s not out of the question that the Brazilian team will all be sentenced to a free week at the David Beckham Football Academy. But will it come in time for the third place play-off? And will Brazil even bother turning up?

If you didn’t see the game, or if you have missed the news, prepare yourself.

BRAZIL 1 GERMANY 7

The Brazil coach, Felipe Scolari, has described it as the “worst day” of his life, and that’s including the day he came third in a Gene Hackman lookalike contest and the day he caught Neymar drawing glasses and a moustache on his treasured 1964 Panini Pele card.

Some fools, and I’m one of them, will say it’s only a game. But let’s look at the bad statistics first: it’s Brazil’s biggest ever World Cup defeat; it’s their first competitive home defeat in 39 years; the last time there was a goal margin this big was in 1920 when they lost 6-0 to Uruguay, 94 years ago!; it took Brazil 51 minutes to even get a shot on target; it made children cry.

The good statistics (particularly if you are German): 3 goals in 179 seconds!; Miroslav Klose broke the World Cup scoring record; it’s the first time a team has scored 7 goals in a World Cup semi-final; 5 goals came in the first 29 minutes; it made children cry.

And it’s tears of happiness for @DarrenK73 (Germany) in the Tweepstake and just tears for @Mojorainbw (Brazil). Mo was picked at number 12 when I did the draw. Before knowing which team she would get she pledged £12 to Alzheimer’s Society for every round her team would get through. And, even though going out last night, she still donated £12! Darren has also continued to donate at every stage throughout the tournament, as well as other of you who didn’t make it quite this far. You have all helped make this a truly fantastic World Cup and World Cup Tweepstake.

So far you have all donated £1179.29 to Alzheimer’s Society. When I started this my plan, at first, was for it to be like an ordinary sweepstake where everyone gave, say, a tenner to be in it. That would have raised £320. I then realised I was in danger of falling foul of some gambling laws (and I don’t really want to encourage you all to gamble either) so instead I just asked for donations in return for some prizes and, hopefully, some fun. And look where we are now! Thank you.

And the prizes are coming in now, ready for distribution once the tournament has ended. How I will give what to whom I have no idea, but I hope you will all be happy with what you receive. Just this morning the postwoman delivered a tube with two fantastic prints by the funny people at Modern Toss. A big thank you to you. And, whoever gets this in the Tweepstake, be prepared to have big funny swear words on your living room wall.

And so to tonight’s game:

HOLLAND (@Braggovic)  v ARGENTINA (@joyfeed)

9pm. ITV. Arena de Sao Paulo in Sao Paulo. From a Tweepstake perspective this is one of those rare matches where both tweepstakers are men! Don’t be fooled by the ‘joy’ part, they’re the two Peters! But which Peter will prevail before going on to be beaten by Germany (only joking!)?

Van Persie has an upset tummy so he might be out, but Argentina have super striker Sergio Aguero back! This is Argentina’s first semi-final since 1990 (they won that one only to be beaten in the final by … Germany!) This is Holland’s third semi-final in the last four World Cups!

It’s a difficult one to call but I am going to predict:

Holland 7 Argentina 1 (or Holland 1 Argentina 7)

Here’s Sinead O’Connor singing Don’t Cry For Me Argentina on Dutch TV.

 

 

After a couple of days off we’re up and running again with the Semi-Finals, and first up:

BRAZIL (@Mojorainbw)  v GERMANY (@DarrenK73)

9pm. BBC. Estadio Mineirao in Belo Horizonte. So, here’s the boffiny stuff:

Brazil and Germany have played more World Cup matches than any other side (102 and 104 respectively) and yet they have only ever met once; the 2002 Final. The score? Brazil 2 Germany 0.

Brazil’s star player, Neymar, is out with  a back injury. Their captain, Thiago Siva, is suspended. Germany are pretty fit.

2006- Germany go out at the Semi-Final stage. 2010- Germany go out at the Semi-Final stage. 2014- Has Germany’s time come or will they go for the hat-trick?

Heck, I haven’t got a clue, but something tells me it is Germany’s time. Having said that, Darren and Mo’s donations to Alzheimer’s Society have been so ongoingly generous I can only predict:

Brazil 4 Germany 4 (after ET 5-5, then 5-5 in penalties and both go through)

To get you in the mood here’s Andreas Bourani with Auf Uns. As far as I can tell it’s the theme music from German TV’s World Cup coverage; a kind of unofficial anthem for the German team.

But what about Brazil? I can’t bring myself to put up the official Pitbull thing, so here’s something a little more off the wall. This creepy tribute to Neymar should surely be Brazil’s official song.

Thank you all for your contributions to Alzheimer’s Society. The amount donated now stands at a fantastic £1139.29. If you know of anyone who would like to donate do please point them to my Just Giving page here.

At the end of the tournament I will be pestering all 32 of you for your addresses. if you want to get in there before I pester please DM me on Twitter.

Enjoy the match! x

 

I’m writing this blog post backwards. All will become clear as you read on. Simply, I’m on hols. It’s our anniversary and we are off for a weekend away. normally I write these posts the day after the matches, but I’ve planned ahead. Here, at 8.50pm last night, is my summary of the first match:

It’s simple. A deserving Germany (and @DarrenK73) beat a battling France (@Zoleipar) 1-0. at the mo, I do not know who they will face. Well one Germany and Darren. And maybe even more well done to Darren. He has been a strong and proud supporter of both Germany and Alzheimer’s Society and I congratulate both on reaching the semi-final of the 2014 World Cup. France had five shots on target and Germany’s goalkeeper, Manuel Neuer, stopped them all. Germany scored their one and only winning goal with their first shot on target. They have become the first nation to reach four consecutive World Cup semi-finals. Big congratulations.

Here’s a clip from Germany v Greece from a while back. Not the German team of today.

The next match saw the host nation Brazil  win 2-1 over Colombia. Congratulations @Mojorainbw, and sorry @SpiderMonkey987. A shame to see Colombia go; they fought hard towards the end. And it’s good to see a game with a record number of fouls. 54 and only four yellow cards. Here’s a yellow song well worth a listen:

And so the first Semi-Final is decided. Next Tuesday Germany and @DarrenK73 will face Brazil and @Mojorainbw.

Today’s matches. First up:

ARGENTINA (@joyfeed) v BELGIUM (@hbnm1985)

5pm. ITV. Estadio Nacional de Brasilia in Brasilia.

Well now, here’s the thing. We’re heading off to Brussels today for our second wedding anniversary… so (not that Zoe knows it as yet) we might find ourselves watching this one on a huge screen in some square surrounded by a load of Belgians. And so my heart has to rule my head. Belgium will win and me and Zoe will go crazy with them. I predict:

Argentina 1 Belgium 2

HOLLAND (@Braggovic)  v COSTA RICA (@jasonpettigrove)

9pm. BBC. Arena Fonte Nova in Salvador. And then we will be drunk and enjoying ourselves with the Belgian folk and their Mannekein Pis and their Jacques Brel songs. Costa Rica are the underdogs; not just of this match, but of the Quarter Finals. that’s why I will plump for them. My prediction:

Holland 1 Costa Rica 1 (Costa Rica score a second goal in extra time)

And now, I’m off to Belgium. here’s Jacques to see us out.

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