Ok, my rant is out of the way and all is well again. Which brings us to:

Today’s choice. And it is from @AndreaMann. It’s When All’s Well from Love Not Money.

Here’s what I do. I listen to it. I write about it. It’s for Comic Relief. I’m part of Team @tracey_thorn and our aim is to raise a million pounds for Comic Relief through Twitter. If you enjoy this post, or even if you don’t but are just feeling kind-hearted, please sponsor me here.

When All’s Well is, on the surface, an uplifting song of love.

When all’s well/ my love is like cathedral bells

But most of the video takes place underground. Tracey is trapped in an upturned cathedral bell. Ben tries to rescue her. The video cuts of early. I like to think, in his failure to elicit an escape, that right at the end, when the youtube stops, he jumps into the bell to be with Tracey.

It’s a jolly sounding song, like lots on Love Not Money. It makes me think of The Smiths again. In a good way. But listen to those opening words:

We are not true/ We are not pure/ We are not right

You wouldn’t get One Direction singing that.

O but still I’ll steal to you at night/ Too selfish by half/ Too ugly by far/ But when your songs have been sung, come to me

It is a love song. but…

Rumours are rife/ And the winter blows cold/ Reminds me of such wretched times

And we’re back. In hard times. Today it makes me think of the lying former Secretary of State for Energy and Climate Change who saved the planet by speeding. Would many sing this of him?

And yet all the same? I will never deign/ To think ill of you, when all’s well/ My love is like cathedral bells

We’re back in a song of love and forgiveness. And the beauty, and the love, are found, not just in the joyous melody (that you should dance around the lounge to), but also in the downbeat and upbeat last verse:

Amongst all the dross/ And the lies and the grief/ There are so many things you just wouldn’t believe/ But amongst all the dross/ And the lies and the grief/ When all’s well, my love is like cathedral bells

Cathedral bells. I can’t help but think of Batman and The Joker.Or Judy and Scottie.

But let’s focus on the positives; this film has Ben and Tracey messing with bells. Here’s a line from someone else, but it wouldn’t be out of place in this song:

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars

Have a dance, and if you can please give some money to Comic Relief here.

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I’m livid today. Very angry with Comic Relief. But we’ll come to that.

Firstly an update. I’m up to £405! 20% off my target for team @tracey_thorn #twittermillion challenge.  I might not get to the £1986 100% mark but I’m going to keep on keeping on. Spurred on by Karen, and Ian, and Andrea, and Paul. Thank you all for your generosity. x

But I forget! I’m livid! With bloody Comic Relief!

I know I shouldn’t be. it’s Comic Relief after all. But really. For crying out loud!

I had an email from them today; a thank you for my fund raising, and, as part of the thank you, a treat. That’s nice.

They said:

“If we were standing next to you, we’d throw our arms around you and smother you in kisses for adding to your fundraising total. Unfortunately, we’re not. So, as promised, here’s a little treat instead.”

So the treat was instead of lots of kisses. The treat was a video. I had to click on it to get my treat.

And my treat was…

A message from One Direction.

Yes, you’ve read that right. A message from One Direction.

One Direction.

Have Comic Relief gone mad?

One Direction?

I’m 50 for fuck’s sake! 50!

One bloody Direction? A treat? What one earth do you think I am, Comic Relief?

Even if they’d said Trick or Treat, One Direction wouldn’t fit the bill.

I don’t even know who they are, Comic Relief! I’m 50! 50!

I’m so furious.

Now this would have been a treat:

I click on the link. Morrissey is there. He sings Teenage Kicks. And as he sings, One Direction skip past and he kicks each one of them in the head.

And as each One Directioner staggers away they bump into Tracey Thorn singing Kiss You. She kisses them better (Hey, it’s for Comic Relief. I cannot wish real harm on them).

As they walk away, swooning from the kisses, they walk past Ben Watt and Stewart Lee, both sitting on high bar stools, wearing big 80’s jackets. And they throw crisps at the children.

And Tracey joins them and throws crisps too.

And they’re salt and vinegar, and they sting a little.

But even though they sting, Harry tries to catch them in his mouth like a wind-up musical toy borne of Oliver and Russell Brand.

That’s a treat.