Go Sober- Day One

October 1, 2013

It’s Day One of Go Sober. Go Sober, not Stoptober or any other pretenders: Go Sober! For Macmillan Cancer Support.

I haven’t had a drink since last night, 11.55pm, when I swiftly knocked back a Stone’s Ginger Wine. And ice. Classy like. As an aperitif I had five pints of Amstel. At choir. Normally I only have three, but drastic times call for drastic measures. And you need to have at least three pints before tackling tenor for All That Jazz.

Now look! If I’m nowty it’s because I haven’t had a drink today. Ok? Break me some slack (whatever the hell that means).

I’m livid with Fiona Sturges. She’s written a piece in The Independent today. You can read it here. She’s got a bloody nerve! She says “I want more effort than a moustache before I pay up”.

I did Movember last year. (Shouting, but not doing the upper case thing, just going for polite italics )“Do you know, Fiona, just how hard it is to grow a moustache?”

Let me tell you! It’s quite hard.

It’s easy if you have the follicles; like, say, Magnum. My moustache looked like piss-coloured candy floss.


can you see it?

Anyway, let’s leave Movember and concentrate on Go Sober. And Fiona.

She wants more effort. She thinks those giving up smoking (in my case, drinking) aren’t doing enough to deserve sponsorship, that they may even be doing it for their own (health) benefit.

“Fiona (I want to shout again)! Not drinking will, possibly, KILL me!”

Here’s some more from Fiona:

In recent years, however, charitable fundraising has become a curiously self-centred affair, in which the focus is frequently more on the fundraiser than those for whom they are raising the funds. The rise of online platforms such as JustGiving have made it easy – too easy, perhaps – for us to work loudly through our  mid-life crises.

You don’t need to go door to door rattling a tin and making a case for a donation. Now you just need a Facebook profile, some willing follicles and, hey presto, you are officially a Good Person.

Easy? Self-centred?… (Oh, ok, you can have that one: of course I’m self-centred, I’ve got a blog.)

Mid-life crisis? Jesus, I’ve had a WHOLE life crisis!

Officially a Good Person? I am officially a Sober Person and that has the power to break me bad!

Anyone can run a Marathon. Anyone can swim the Thames. I’d like to see Walliams lay off the booze for a month! I’d like to see Izzard grow a moustache… no, forget that, he has hasn’t he. I’d like to see Izzard grow a rubbishy moustache like mine!

And Fiona says:

I’m all for a good cause, but if it’s sponsorship you’re after, you’ll have to put some effort in first.

Now I’m furious. I’m upper case and bold: I HAVE BEEN SOBER FOR 16 HOURS FIONA! GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING MONEY!

The polite part:

You can sponsor me, or my wife, or both of us here, here, or here. Thank you.

(Oh, and if The Independent wants to sponsor me £10,000 I will happily wear an orange wig and lederhosen for the month.)