My daughter is dating David Platt and I’m not happy.

For those who know me you know I believe Coronation Street to be real. For those who don’t know me, you’ll most likely think I’m just being funny, or weird, or perverse. But the great thing about beliefs is that that’s all you need. Reason goes out of the window. I believe Coronation Street is real… so there!

And psycho David Platt is going out with my daughter!

My daughter is Kirsty Leigh Porter.

Kirsty Leigh Porter (pic courtesy of Holy Soap)

Kirsty was only my daughter for a day. Trev and myself were writing for a show called My Spy Family. Kirsty played Marcy Desmond, and in one of our episodes, The Quiz Night Affair, I played her father Mr Desmond. He was a wild haired weirdo. I didn’t have to do much. Just turn up.

But now she’s changed her name to Zoe and is slowly creeping into Corrie as bloody Platt’s girlfriend. I’m going to have to put my foot down.

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It just keeps getting better and better for Manchester City. Sort of. Ok, they could do with a few more wins, but beating Arsenal 3-0 yesterday is a good start. More of the same please against Schalke 04 and then that other team closer to home on Saturday. in the meantime, Robinho, keep on watching Coronation Street.

Yes, according to the News of the World (so it has to be true) Robson De Souza aka Robinho… will soon be aka “Ken Robinho-Low”. See what the NOTW has done there? They’ve replaced the Bar of Barlow with Robinho, to make a play on words that absolutely fails.

Still, only days after we find out that the most expensive footballer ever ever in the universe uses the bus, it’s revealed that he is learning English by watching Coronation Street. A source reveals that “the lads have been calling him Ken in training.” Why Ken? Why not someone who could actually kick a ball, like psycho Platt, or grease monkey Kevin “I used to look like Keegan” Webster? Or possibly Hayley. But Ken? Mother-in-law Blanche could nutmeg him even with her Polish hip. Maybe his team mates are having a bit of a laugh.

But top marks to the Brazilian for embracing Mancunion culture so readily. Next bus shopping trip, Robbo, stock up on the Hollands Meat and Potato Pies and Vimto. Oh, and start listening to Oasis and Brian and Michael.

Here, thanks to an old TV Times shoot from 1970 recently unearthed by the Mail Online, is what Robinho might look like if he travels any further down the Barlow Road.

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