So says Michael Gove, the Shadow Education Secretary, but let’s just call him The Shadow. Watch him get angry here, courtesy of The Daily Telegraph. Things are coming to a pretty pass (whatever that means) when I start referring you to the Telegraph!

Did some of his furniture look like this?

elephant lamp 2Maybe. All we know for sure is that we bought him two elephant lamps for £134.50. That’s not a bad price for elephant lamps, though I could quite possibly pick on up in a pound shop in Peckham, for, well, around a pound? Overall though we got off lightly there and who are we to begrudge him the all-essential elephant lamp? Maybe he pushed his luck going for two, but then he does have two homes.

One elephant lamp in one home, another in the other. I wonder if he went for a matching pair? And if the elephants miss each other? He looks a kindly sort so I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt. I don’t think he’d split up a pair. I guess his second elephant lamp looks a little like this.

elephant-lamp1

Though that’s an elephant lamp that would look more at home in a child’s bedroom and as we all know, MP’s above others, children’s equipment is banned under Commons Rules. What? He claimed for a £34.99 foam cot mattress from Toys ‘R’ Us? I’m not sure what shocks me most. The fact that he dragged an innocent child into the scandal or that the Shadow Education Secretary frequents a store with a backwards ‘R’. God forbid he ever gets in charge of our schools. He’ll introduce a new key on our computers to type a backwards R. Then he’ll do the rest of the alphabet. Then he’ll have us playing our records backwards. And before you know it Satan will rule the Earth.

You’ll see in the video that he is understandably livid. “I wanted to be honest”, he states. But he doesn’t mention the elephant lamps.

I wonder if it was this one?

ElephantLamp3

And why did he stop at elephant lamps? They’re not the only animal with the power of electricity surging through their trunks. Well, actually, they most probably are. I’m not sure what other animals have trunks (Oh yes! Tapirs! Tapir lamps!). But I’m disappointed that he didn’t go for a monkey lamp. What about the one below Michael? I haven’t a clue how much it costs but we’ll all happily club together and get you one. After all, we already have them. They’re what’s known as essential in our homes. I have good friends who have gone without heat, food and chimney sweeps just so they can have a monkey lamp. Here we see a monkey on top of two Jeffrey Archer novels, rolling a ball whilst dangling a lantern over his head with his tail. If your constituents don’t demand you get one immediately then they are idiots.

monkey lamp

Please watch him get angry and indignant. It’s very funny. Go on Michael! Get angry! Get indignant! It’s working. There’s no way you are making a fool of yourself.

michael gove

"I acknowledge that the whole system is rotten."