Shred seven

January 27, 2010

I’m shredding.

It’s therapeutic. I think. It’s difficult to know.

I’ve just started reading and watching Dexter. It’s a difficult balancing act. Episode 1 is faithful to the first book. Darkly Dreaming Dexter, which I am a third of the way through. How should I get my next thrill? From the pages of a book or the bloody TV? I’m trying to keep ahead with the book, but it’s a close call.

And in the meantime, I am called, not by the Moon but by the Sun, to shred and shred. It could become a bad habit and so I am limiting myself to seven bags a day. For those who like specifics, they are mainly Co-op and Tesco bags. Of course this is bad; the bags could be re-used and the paper could be recycled. But who knows of any good habits?

Possibly shredding stops me from killing. It’s difficult to know. I’ve never wanted to kill, but know I’ve started shredding, what if I stop and a darker urge creeps in and takes over?

I’m not shredding everything. Only paper, and then mainly very very old contracts and stuff dating back to last century. Oh, and all the Trev and Simon ideas that have got nowhere. There’s a few of those, can you believe?

And sometimes I come across stuff that make me laugh or cry or sit in silence for fourteen minutes or jump or sneeze.

Look! Here’s the script from the Trev and Simon Rank Tour. This was a tour for the Rank Organisation, though it also describes the trek in many other ways.

We toured nightclubs, not theatres or cabaret venues. This is a common thing, normally done by celebrities or people from soaps, or, more likely these days, reality TV folk. What they’d do is turn up, look glamorous, sign autographs, hang around, maybe play a few records, cop off.

That’s it. And that would have been all we would have to have done. Except, it’s not really us. We’re not glamorous and we can barely think of ourselves as celebrities. We just about get away with thinking of ourselves as comedians, and so we felt it was our duty, our job, to at least try and put on a show.

So we’d troop out dressed as the Singing Corner, then, for a second set, as Mick McMax and Moon Monkey.

We must have been mad. Sometimes we wouldn’t get on for our first set until 1am. If we were lucky we’d get to do the first bit at midnight. This would be in a nightclub on what they called Student Night.  Known to everyone else as Tuesday.

On our very first one we attempted to do a set. We’d worked at it, written it, honed it… Well, ok, maybe not quite honed. But, you know, we’d written stuff, learnt stuff… well, ok, maybe not quite learnt. We’d familiarised ourselves with two twenty minute sets of business.

We come out and we’d face-

Well, anything from constant Swing Your Pants chanting, to a bunch of kids so young they wouldn’t have a clue who we were. They’d point and laugh and titter at our wigs, as if we were an actual act called The Singing Corner and were trying to pass off these wigs and beards as our own facial and headial hair.

It wasn’t without fun. Once we realised there was no point in trying to do comedy as we knew it we swapped our role for more that of gameshow hosts. We’d get some drunken kids up on stage and get them to do stupid things like swap each others clothes, hiding inside a giant duvet while we sang I Love My Shirt. It passed the time. And occasionally we saw someone’s arse.

This isn’t us.

Right, back to the shredding.


5 Responses to “Shred seven”

  1. Samantha said

    If Shredding makes you content, don’t worry be shreddy!

    I used to like the game show you did that had a catchphase It might have been “Blimey that’s good” or something like that or maybe something that sounded ruder? and you & Trev would do the counting by singing “didly didly didly dee…then say a number…5!” or something…..Ring any bells?

  2. Samantha said

    My husband says it was “It’s a shame” but I’m not sure if there was another one too, that sounded a bit risque?

  3. Simon Hickson said

    Hi Samantha, your husband is right. There’s a few It’s a Shame clips on You Tube. Here we are with Kylie.

  4. Samantha said

    THANKS! Although I hate it when he’s right! I love Kylie! x

  5. Trevor Neal said

    That brought back a few memories which I thought were mentally shredded. Kylie was great. Always up for a daft laugh. Imagine trying to do that these days with Lady Ga Ga – she’d be wearing just a pair of pants and a hood covering her face and then she’d pretend to stab herself or something in the middle of the sketch…on second thoughts, quick let’s try and get a new show!

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