Who you gonna call?

May 14, 2009


Well something had to be done. When the going gets tough the lazy get blogging.

I’ve not asked Trev yet but I’ve set the two of us up as SLEAZEBUSTERS (proudly sponsored by CIGARETTES)*. And please, no smirking at the use of the word “busters”. It’s proper. I got it from Ghostbusters and they saved New York from the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man!

Well, we’re going to save this country from the Puffed Up Cushion Man (aka  mild-mannered Keith Vaz.)

So here’s the plan. It’s fine all these MP’s going “Ooh, we’re sorry. Really sorry. We’ll all pay. You’ve caught us out. We forgot. blah blah blah, cry,cry, cry, wee wee wee. We’re honest really. As honest as you. Honestly. We all do it. Don’t we? Even Stephen Fry does it and he’s an angel and everyone loves him and he’s clever!” Yes, that’s one thing, but… oops, I feel a little digression coming on…

How do you forget you’ve paid off your mortgage? How does that happen? How do you forget when you’re suddenly £800 richer a month? When you’ve paid £800 a month for 25 years, how do you forget when that time is up? When my mum and dad finally paid off their mortgage, after twenty five bloody long years- when they finally owned the house they had slowly bought over a quarter of a century- well, I seem to remember they had a little celebration.  We used to have a little piece of fancy wood hung up on the wall. It said “God bless our (mortgaged) home”. They jumped up and down on it, danced a jig on it, they burnt it, they ate it.

To overlook £800 a month is a bit like, well, having more money than sense.

Back to business. SLEAZEBUSTERS (proudly sponsored by CIGARETTES)* offers a new way forward for our MP’s. We know they stuck by the rules and we know just how much it costs to remove a weasel motel from the chimney breast of an underground heliport (Oh, some poncey grandee is bound to have one), so we say keep your money! That’s safe! We say we don’t want it back!

Our policy is simple. We say That which has been bought with the money of the people now belongs to the people.

We say Hogg! Let us swim in your scummy moat!

We say Vaz! Let us sit upon your 24 cushions!

We say Huhne! Let us press our trousers inside your Corby!

We say Letwin! Let us win at tennis against you! Hard cheese!

We say Morley… Oh, that one’s slipped my mind…

You get the drift. It’s your money, they’re your things. All you have to do is collect them. Put your claim in now through SLEAZEBUSTERS (proudly sponsored by CIGARETTES)*.

Oh, but don’t even think of asking for Govvy’s Elephant lamps. I’ve got my eye on them. Go on Govvy, give us your elephant lamps and we’ll let you off the £134.50. (I feel I can call him Govvy after yesterday’s fun exchange in the comments box). Or at least send me a piccy that I can put up on the blog. Go on, please, Sir Lord Michael Gove.

And now the small and nearly invisible print…

* SLEAZEBUSTERS (proudly sponsored by CIGARETTES) will never break their own code of conduct. We give you these promises:


We will, where possible, claim maximum expenses.

We will forget.

We will always apologise before doing the same thing again.

A word from our sponsors:



3 Responses to “Who you gonna call?”

  1. Thegorillaisloose said

    Alan Partridge dismantled his Corby Trouser Press, when he was bored. Did he claim it as an expense… did he f&*k. MPs don’t know the half of it.

  2. Trevor Neal said

    You still haven’t asked me but I don’t care. I’m with you all the way on this one. I could do with a holiday flat in central London for all the family – one of them MP’s should let me have it rent free – and free use of all lamps and cushions of course – but mainly I’m just happy to dress up like a gangster and smoke cigarettes. That’s my kind of political protest. Well done.

  3. Simon Hickson said

    Thank you for your support. With any luck we’ll come out of this looking like heroes whilst we are laughing all the way to the storage unit.

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