We need to be nicer to them

May 12, 2009


My house

In Magnolia little Stanley Spencer, the boy genius on “What do Kids Know?” who ends up wetting himself because the TV fools won’t let him have a toilet break, has an epiphany of sorts when at the end he says “Dad? You need to be nicer to me.” He’s right. And it got me thinking. We need to be nicer to our politicians. Because right now, well, they must all be pissing themselves with fear.

Let’s give them a break. What’s a bag of manure here or there?

And hey, we’ve all had to clean out our own moats. Admittedly, when an ordinary type of fellow like you or me cleans out their moat we rather unhappily  stump up the cash out of our own pockets. Some folk even think that that’s what our earnings are for- to spend. On our gardens, our moats, our late night bags of Iced Gems. And heck, if there was a rule that said that you, dear reader, had to pay for my little stick of Blackpool rock, then who would I be to complain. I’m a stickler for rules.

It is important to remember that no MP has broken the rules. They’re an honourable bunch. When one claims £598.85 for the upkeep of his ride-on lawnmower surely that’s reasonable. Yes, I know you can get a Flymo Hover mower at Argos for £27.99, but it’s not ride-on is it? And it would still cost £598.85 for upkeep. You can be sure of that.

the maximum claim for a TV is £750. One MP claimed £8,865. Maybe it’s a ride-on TV. They deserve nothing less.

£45 to remove two jackdaw’s nests? Sounds pretty reasonable. We all have problems with jackdaw nests.

Yes, Keith Vaz took some liberties buying 24 cushions. But at least he had the dignity to withhold a claim for Anusol.

The cushion thing got to me a bit. The rules do need addressing for sure. How about a 10 cushion limit. And no cushion costing more than a fiver. Keith’s averaged £20 a cushion. And of course these were the cushions classed as essentials. Any more, for, say, comfort, I’m sure he paid for out of his own pocket. He must live in a cushion palace. Even when standing he must have a cushion shoved up his arse. Well done Keith Vaz, for being the most plumped up MP.

The upkeep of a home is a costly thing. When you’ve two or three or a hundred, how the hell are you supposed to maintain them on £64,766 a year? Our MP’s must be on lower salaries than nurses. I pity them, and I for one am all in favour of them being paid £766,453.72 a month.

My place, pictured above, sets me back a bob or two. That’s me, in the white suit and white hat (dry cleaning bills, £14,874 a week). To the left you can see Chauncy, my gardener and also my uncle. I pay him £1.24 an hour. It soon mounts up. He does work a 27 hour day. Up at the top window is Dave, my looker and also my pet. I pay him £400 a week to stand on balconies, looking outwards. It saves me having to do it.


Me, Maude and Steve

Here I am heading off on my holidays. Unlike MP’s I get to have holidays. I tend to take 5 eight day holidays fourteen times a month for seventeen months of the year with Maude the blonde haired hooker and Steve the rent boy, also known as my sister and my son. I pay them well. They have other jobs too. Maude knits Rememberance Day wreaths out of mouse traps and Steve wees household cleaning products out of his willy which he sells for £20 a pop.



And finally, my accountant Pete (no relation) off to the bank with a big bag of swag and a knife to stab himself in the eyes. I pay him to do that. Out of my own money. Legally collected from the serfs in my little fiefdom.

So let’s give our MP’s a break. Let’s be nicer to them. We need to be. After all, without them all of our chimney sweeps would be out of a job.

Thanks to the Daily Mirror for expense statistics.


3 Responses to “We need to be nicer to them”

  1. Andrea said

    and you go on holiday to the snowy mountainsides of Austria, no? do you have photos of that too, by any chance?

  2. Simon Hickson said

    I’ll try and dig some out.

    These photos were taken in France last year at a theme park of mini-chateaus. or should that be chateaux? Although most of the figures are mini-models, the man in the white hat is actually me.

    I’ve just watched the Flight of the Conchords and Brett and Germaine stole a cushion. I hope it was one of Vaz’s.

  3. Darrell said

    Brilliant post and cool photos as ever. Chauncey is no relation to Chance the gardener in Being There is he?? If he’s ever free, any chance he could come and sort my moat out? My grandad won’t work for less than £2.00 an hour.

    Don’t you just wish though that the Great British public had got this wound up over Iraq?

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