February 17, 2009


Sometimes I wish I was this man. In a way, I was. But only for a day or two and only for pretend. But sometimes it would be nice to be a cobbler, breeding pigs and slaughtering them to make comfy pig shoes for Robert de Niro (for that is what this man did). That’d be after Bobby de Niro had been upstairs to visit my son, the chiropodist, to have his corns and bunions seen to. And the sketch was called, quite naturally, Cobblers to the Stars. And some may wonder why we are not on TV anymore.

But if I was this man (and his name sadly escapes me) my days would be simple; cuddling a pig, killing a pig, making a pair of shoes out of it for, let’s say, Clooney. No! I feel great shame. There was no plan in this, I’m just writing as I podcast, making it up as I go along. And it’s struck me; George had a pig, a big fat pot-bellied Vietnamese pig called Max. Now no longer with us. He used to sleep with Max. I’m sorry. It’s all pretend. I wouldn’t really harm a pig. let me change that last bit… making a pair of shoes for, let’s say, Mickey Rourke. or Vince Cable.

Anyway, I’m not this man. This man doesn’t have to deal with Twitters and people writing on his walls. Someone’s just written on my wall! I don’t even have a house! How can I have a wall in a computer? What is Facebook? What is Twitter? What more things will I have to join? It’s call ed social networking. When I was a kid we called it going out to play. Or visiting. I made this “joke” last night at choir, and it fell, like my singing, flat. That’s because they thought I was referring to a social networking website called “Visiting”.

Oh, I moan. And no doubt, in thirty seconds time, I’ll be as addicted as the next twitterer.

Twitter – vb – to talk rapidly and nervously in a high-pitched voice.

When is someone going to start up You go on it, tell your 5678 followers what you are up to and you get back 5678 replies telling you to “Shut up.” And then when we all get fed up with that we start up Shut the **** and so on.

I’m not really moaning. I like it all really. Sort of. I just wish I had a job to stop me from doing it all. Some proper work. With pigs.

You can hear the various Confusions here:

New Order Confusion

ELO Confusion

The Zutons Confusion


5 Responses to “Confusion”

  1. Andrea said

    21st century communication is, indeed, all rather overwhelming. did you see Toby Young’s piece about Twitter the other day?

  2. Trevor Neal said

    Watch Ball of Confusion there if you want – I know it’s a specific type of confusion – in that it’s a ball – but hopefully it still counts. I wonder what other types of sport related confusion there are – Bat of Confusion, Racquet of Confusion, Golf Club of Confusion…?

  3. Simon Hickson said

    I’m with Toby. But it’s even more confusing because I’d be happy bowling alone.

    When I play pool I sometimes vex my opponent by wielding the cue of confusion.

  4. Maisie said

    Aww you sound a little down so here’s some jokes to cheer you up:

    Why did everyone say the mushroom was life & soul of the party? Because he was a fun guy (funghi)! HaHa!

    A baby snake & his dad are slithering along when all of a sudden the baby snake asks his dad in a panic “Dad are we poisonus snakes?” Dad replies “No we’re boa constrictors we crush the life out of people”. Baby snake says That’s ok and they continue slithering along, after a while baby snake again asks his dad in a panic if they are poisonus and the dad gives the same reply, they continue slithering,after a while baby snake in a panic asks again, Dad snake says why do you keep asking me if we’re poisonus? Baby snake replies “I just wanted to be sure cause I’ve just bitten my tongue! HaHa!

  5. Simon Hickson said

    I’ve noticed that when votes go to “other”, there is no way of you seeing what those votes were for. But I cheekily see on the Polldaddy site… So, so far there have been two “others”-
    1- Ball of Confusion
    2- The Chinese philosopher
    -And that made me laugh out loud.

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