The Weakest Welsh Orphan- a feelbad story for Valentine’s Day

February 14, 2009

train-driver

Dai Hardy, the Welsh orphan, did little in his life other than dress as a train driver and sit around lumber yards all day. He knew that really he should have called them timber yards. After all, he wasn’t American or Canadian. He was Welsh. And yet, somehow, lumber seemed appropriate. But why did he dress and sit so? Simply because an available photo served the purpose. He didn’t even sound Welsh, but in the world of photography we can imagine all accents.

One day he went on The Weakest Link. Anne Robinson asked him what he did. He said he dressed as a train driver and sat around lumber yards. She laughed contemptously. Not because of his odd job. She barely heard the words. She just heard the accent, and, in an accusatory tone, asked; “Are you Welsh?” Dai replied in the positive and Anne Robinson laughed like a goose. The audience joined in, not really knowing why they were laughing, just knowing that it was expected of them. Anne Robinson continued her inquisition; “Are your parents Welsh too?” and Dai replied; “I have no parents. I’m an orphan.” Anne Robinson paused. And squinted. And peered above and below and through her spectacles. And then she laughed  like a gaggle of geese. And the audience joined in.

In the first round Dai got all of his questions wrong. One of them he asked Anne Robinson to repeat three times. The question was; “What U is a portable device used for protection against rain?” The answer was “Umbrella”, but all Dai could say, three times, was “What? Me?”

He was voted off unanimously at the end of the first round. But before he left he was mercilously taunted by Anne Robinson. The audience howled with laughter, especially when Anne Robinson said “You are the weakest leek… sorry, link… goodbye yakki da!”

Dai Hardy sat backstage and was filmed for his thoughts. But he had none. There were no flashbacks, and no explanations as to why he didn’t know that the “U” was for umbrella. His past had made him what he was, and yet he had no past. He only existed for a brief moment on Valentine’s Day 2009, and that’s the end of this story.

Note to any lawyers; none of the characters in this story are real, including Anne Robinson. No animals were harmed, or even considered or consulted. The goose that Anne Robinson sounded like is a fictional Barnacle Goose called Snowy.

Coming tomorrow (maybe), Deal or No Deal on the Dole.

Advertisements

One Response to “The Weakest Welsh Orphan- a feelbad story for Valentine’s Day”

  1. Andrea said

    lol! and by that, I mean: I laughed at your funniness. not at the sad story of poor Dai the Welsh orphan.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: