Will Tom Cruise kill the right Adolf Hitler?

December 18, 2008

On Christmas Day Tom Cruise will attempt to assassinate Adolf Hitler. Plot spoiler coming up… he fails. I know this and I haven’t even seen the film yet. Yes, dopey, it’s a film, not real life.

Valkyrie, the Bryan Singer directed thriller, is one of eight films opening stateside on Christmas Day. Others include Gran Torino with Clint as a racist Korean War veteran; Doubt with Meryl Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman arguing the toss over child abuse in the Catholic church, and The Reader, starring Kate Winslet as a Nazi war criminal. Happy Christmas everyone.

But back to the point of this post. Will our Tom get the right Adolf? We all know Tom can have his off days (jumping up and down on Oprah’s sofa, telling his wife to shush as she pushes out their little baby etc.), so let’s just hope he doesn’t get confused and take it upon himself to assassinate the new Adolf Hitler.

Yes, there’s a new Adolf Hitler in town and he’s only three years old. In yesterday’s San Jose Mercury News this headline caught my attention; “Dad who named his son after Hitler pleads for tolerance.” Yes, come on folks, leave poor little Adolf alone. Be tolerant. You know? Tolerance? That thing the Nazis were overflowing with?

Heck, his dad, Heath Campbell, didn’t expect all of this fuss. Well, how on earth could he have seen it coming? It all blew up when ShopRite refused to make a birthday cake with “Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler” iced on it. Thank the nazis above that Wal-Mart stepped in, saw sense, and saved the day.

Dad Heath invoked President-elect Barack Obama in a bid to get us over-sensitive idiots to calm down; “There’s a new president and he says it’s time for a change. They need to accept a name. A name’s a name. The kid isn’t going to grow up and do what (Hitler) did.” Phew, that’s a relief. Step down Tom, at ease. No need to kill a three year old. This kid is no mass murderer in the making. Who knows, he may even turn out to be a half-decent painter.

12 kids attended little Hitler’s birthday party, including, according to Hitler’s daddy, several children who were of mixed race. I wonder what their names were; Little Pol Pot, Mussolini, Pinochet, Dave?

A final word from Heath on his three year old Hitler; “Say he grows up and hangs out with black people. That’s fine, I don’t really care. That’s his choice.” And to think, initially I thought you were a nutter.

I haven’t an appropriate photo to accompany this story. I’ve not seen many Nazis in Sunnyvale. So here’s a pic of a sweet little dog I saw last Christmas, down on Pier 39 in San Francisco.

Oh, incidentally, Adolf Hitler Campbell has a two year old sister. Her name? Prepare yourself. I swear I am not making this up. She’s called JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell. Unbelievable isn’t it? I mean, JoyceLynn, it’s so 1990’s.

3 Responses to “Will Tom Cruise kill the right Adolf Hitler?”

  1. Trevor Neal said

    Did baby Adolf wear little jack booties? Even as an adult (not an adolf), Tom Cruise could probably still fit into them (he’s very small, you see)- but why would he? Bit of a random leap there. Still, Happy Christmas.

  2. Andrea said


    here’s more coverage on that story, btw –


    I think you should have Photoshopped the dog’s paw to be giving a Hitler salute.

  3. Simon Hickson said

    Photoshopping a sieg heil onto a dumb animal? Why that’s as crazed as calling a newborn baby Adolf.

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