How old am I?

November 29, 2008


On Thursday I went to the MySpace/Trident Comedy Awards. You can read a better review than I could write here. The MySpace comedy website carries a “This content is not suitable for under 16’s” sign. The winners were Ashton and George, who are 16 and 15, so I guess George’ll have to wait a bit for suitablility to come along.

I’m old and I would have liked to have seen the funny double act Knock2Bag win. But they didn’t. The funniest act was the compere; the excellent Rhod Gilbert. His mock bewilderement at the antics of the young made me feel at home. I also felt at home, but then depressed, by his routine in which he realised his penis was 40 years old. That’s old isn’t it? And mine’s even older. I can’t remember the full routine and I’m not going to explore this much more in case I inadvertently stray into an area where I nick Rhod’s material. But it was all very funny. And depressing.

So this morning I lay in bed contemplating not my penis, which (maybe bizarrely for a man) I see as part of me rather than a part of me, but contemplating my ageing body. As much as I fretted I also marvelled. I’ve had 46 years of it all working pretty pretty well. I don’t particularly get it serviced and nor is it guaranteed. It Just (Ha! Touch wood!) seems to keep on working.

Sure, I’ve had a few breaks; two ribs (falling into a bollard, falling into the sea), my hand (doing karate on roof tiles), my finger (falling of a bike and then having another bike cycling over my hand), and a nose (a punch). Usually when something breaks it’s either under guarantee, it can be fixed, or you throw it away. In all these cases I could be fixed, and in two instances (the ribs) they fixed themselves. That self repair thing we have is quite something.

So I lay there and then I remembered something I’d read a while back that stated that our cells are constantly regenerating. None of our cells are more than a day or two old, or something like that. I’m no scientist, but I’m sure all the boffins would back me up at this basic level. So, all parts of us are constantly renewing themselves.

This leads me to the title; How old am I? I was born in 1962 so chronologically I am 46. But not one part of me is that age. Old cells die and new ones take their place.

If it’s any consolation Rhod, even though cell regeneration slows down with age, your penis is constantly renewing itself. it’s most likely only a day or two old.


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