Goody Goody Yum Yum

It’s the BAFTA’s tonight. Are you going? I’m not. Instead, I’m sitting here thinking about goody bags. They go crazy for them at the BAFTA’s don’t they? They love them, the Jeffs, Colins, Natalies and Coens. Christopher Nolan only made Inception so he could get a gold cover for his phone. And some booze.

They love booze, those film folk. But if there’s one thing they hate, it’s paying for it. It’s a known fact that BAFTA luvvie  Russell Crowe once pinned the TV director Malcolm Gerrie to a wall just because Gerrie had the nerve to tell Crowe his Tia Maria was £4.50. Or something like that. I don’t know. Don’t quote me. Don’t hold me to it. Don’t pin the messenger to the wall.

Here’s what gets them all so whoop-di-dooed.

Let’s see. There’s a phone, some booze, some shampoo. You get the idea.

It’s a goody bag. But it’s not the goodiest bag.

Last night I was at a Valentine’s Ball. It was the Caravan Valentine’s Ball. Held at the Marriott Hotel in High Gosforth Park, Newcastle (winner, in 2008, of the North East England Large Hotel of the Year Award!)

Ok, I’ll slow down. I’ve become aware that I’m maybe piling on the information. Taking too much for granted. You think I’m some kind of Caravaner. I do wish I was, but I’m not. This Caravan is the name for the National Grocers’ Benevolent Fund; the charity for the grocery industry. It’s a fundraiser and everyone there does there best to raise money for grocers who’ve fallen on hard times.

You can laugh. But I’d rather you didn’t. I’ve fallen on hard times myself now and then (mainly now), and Caravan has come to my rescue too. And yes, I know I’m no grocer (if it helps, my grandpa and grandma were). Caravan help me in other ways. Caravan give each guest a goody bag that, frankly, makes the BAFTA goody bag look like a la-di-da ponce-fest. Yes Portman, you deserve all the best for your skinny-ballet horror lesbo romp. You deserve a gold phone. But be honest, wouldn’t you rather get your bony fingers on this?

Look closer. Let’s spill the bag and see what’s inside.

There were also crumpets and tea cakes. Actors, that’s a Goody Bag!

The Comedians

All the comedians have got their DVD’s out for Christmas. Loads of ‘em. Comedians and DVD’s. How do you choose? It’s tricky isn’t it. Everyone likes a laugh at Christmas, but what if you buy the wrong one? What if you buy a DVD by one of the unfunny comedians? Or a rude comedian? Or an offensive one?

Of course, there are some simple rules that are always worth following. One is never buy a DVD by a comedian who has a supposedly comical and  endearing middle nickname.

Then, well, that’s it. There’s only one rule really. Oh yes! Rule two; be wary of yokels.

That’s it. Beyond that you’re on your own out there, scooting down the aisle only to find yourself faced with a fake top fifty supermarket countdown of smiling faces and stickers.

I’ll try to help. I’m going to review a handful of DVD’s available and it might, just might, help you reach that difficult decision of which to buy.

I should point out that I have seen none of these DVD’s, and, in many cases, seen little or none of the comedians work (Oh! With the exception of one). In some instances I may have even gone out of my way to avoid their work. (Oops, it’s just occurred to me that this idea is a little like The No Show- a great site where shows are reviewed without ever being seen. I don’t mean it to be, and if this post causes offence please let me know and I will destroy it!)

Oh, and I will base my review on one thing alone. The artwork on the cover of the DVD. That’s all. How it looks. I will judge a comedian by his cover.

Here we go.

Remember, I don’t necessarily know what I’m on about here.

I’m just going off the pictures, ok?

Right, first up:

Michael McIntyre

It’s Michael McIntyre. A complicated one. Is he live and we’re laughing? Or is it just him doing both? He seems to be laughing; possibly in rather a cruel way having turned his back on the paying punters seen in the background. Shouldn’t he be facing them? Just what’s going on, Mr. Pink shirt?

There’s an ambiguous quote from The Daily Telegraph (a paper I know little of, though I have been assured they are good for sports… at least that’s the excuse of most right-wing fanatics). They say “If there’s a funnier, slicker, warmer hour of comedy, I haven’t encountered it”.

But how much do The Daily Telegraph get out these days? And considering this DVD is 84 minutes long, what did they think of the remaining 24 minutes?

It’s a tricky one to start with. You decide.

Lee Mack

He’s live too. There’s no audience being neglected here. Instead, he’s walking straight at you. And he’s not laughing. Or smiling. It’s almost like he knows that sometimes not smiling is funnier than smiling. There’s a quote that makes Lee sound funny, but potentially painfully so. And it’s a quote from a man rather than a paper. Optional swearing (swearing is, generally, funny), a funny walk, a too-tight suit, an almost serious expression; I’d say this one is a winner with guaranteed laughs. It’s also a nice shade of green.

Jason Manford

This is very odd. Is he trying to speak through his ear? Is he mistaking the microphone for a Q-Tip? Did the photographer just say “Hey, Jase, stick it in your ear! Ha ha ha!” and he just did, just for the hell of it?

He is “a true master of observational comedy…” the BBC said. But then, at the time of printing, they were most likely his employers. And what follows the little dots? What if the next word was “sometimes”? Or “only on Tuesdays?” An enigma at the least. You decide.

Kevin Bridges

He’s “the master of stand-up at just 22″ The Daily Mirror tells us. And the use of a Mirror quote suggests he’s one of us, an ok bloke who may possibly be just mildly left wing. And he’s humble too. Look! A smile that says  “that’s me that! That’s my name up there! In Lights! Little old me, photographed from above to make me look little.” But look in the background; his audience, yet again ignored. You decide.

Frankie Boyle

No newspaper quotes for this comedian. He’s not smiling, but we can assume he is live as we are told it is a new stand-up show for 2010. He tells us that if he could he would reach out through the TV and strangle you. Well, TV is developing all the time. 3D. HD. What next? Just remember, if he could, he would. Well, one day soon he may well be able. It’s a risk. It’s up to you. You decide.

Stewart Lee

He’s put his face on a cup. If that doesn’t make you laugh you most likely wouldn’t laugh at Steve Martin’s Pizza in a Cup in The Jerk.

Look! Stewart Lee’s face on a cup! And he is almost smiling. None of the other comedians have put their face on a cup.

So this is the ideal Christmas comedy DVD.

Buy this one. You decide.

Tour de Farce

The Kunsten Museum of Modern Art in Aalborg, Denmark, is home to the Bicycle Museum. It’s not a lot of bicycles, but rather a pedal-driven, human-powered exhibit that takes up to 10 minutes to cycle. We didn’t know if we were allowed to cycle it ourselves or if we had to wait for a museum guard. There was no one around; no guard, and, at the time, no other visitors. we clambered aboard and made a film. It’s nine minutes long. If you watch it all I don’t know whether I should be impressed or appalled. And my apologies to Zoe for… well, just for… this:

And thank you to Zoe for giving me a Flip camera as a gift. Without it none of this would have been possible. More films to follow. I’ll try and keep them shorter.

Pay it Forward… sort of

There’s a film called Pay it Forward. I haven’t seen it. I like it. Here’s the trailer. It does for me.

Just the trailer makes me cry. I’ll maybe avoid the film in case of severe disappointment. Take it from me, it’s a good film.

The kindness of strangers. That crops up a lot if you Google it. It’s part of the last line in A Streetcar Named Desire. And here’s me thinking I’d thought it up. The kindness of strangers. There’s lots of kind people out there, and yesterday I was the recipient of such a kind act it made me want to cry. Want to? Oh heck. I did.

A parcel had arrived for me at my agents. I went to pick it up. And someone I don’t even know had bought me a camera. A camera! From a stranger! I was overwhelmed. And I am now as I type this.

A few weeks ago my bag was stolen. My camera was in it. I prefer taking photos to taking cameras. I have been a little lost without it. I wrote a blog post about… well, not about my camera being stolen, but I did mention it in passing. And, a very very kind person bought me a new one  and left the message “This is to thank you for many years of entertainment and to replace your stolen camera. With love from some fans.”

I expect you’re crying now.

This is such a kind and unexpected act. It might be one of those moments where everything’s great and surprising and then… well, you wake up.

Thank you.

And thank you too to all my friends, including Professor Yard and Sarah, who offered me loans of cameras until I sorted myself out. Twitter, blogging… anyone who thinks these things are somehow unreal communities needs to get out more.

What can I do in return? Well, I now have a camera bought for me by you. I am your photographer. I am declaring myself, with no guarantees of any quality control, to be the People’s Photographer. You, dear and kind readers (and also the not so kind and dear ones) let me know what you need pictures of. I will take photos for you and get them to you within one week of your demand. All you have to do is tell me what you want photographed and where to send it. Be as inventive as you like, but try to avoid geographically challenging tasks. Be creative, but avoid portraits of unobtainable people. (If, say, you want a pic of George Clooney on top of Everest, well, I just won’t do it.)

It could be fun.

Right, I’m off to learn about my lovely new camera, and in a day or so put up picture number one. feel free to offer suggestions for that too.

Here’s an old picture from my last camera, taken in America at Christmas. No relevance, it just entertains me.

Santana Row people

Oh, and I think I know who you are, and if you are who I think you are, and you live East Dulwich way, you must, at the least, let me take you and your husband for a drink. And thank you so much. It’s one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me. Of course you could be mad, but I doubt it.

I’m a comedian and here I am getting all soppy and sincere.

Did I mention that my stolen bag also had in it a car and a house?

Please take- in working order

I walked by this sad little toy in the street today. You may not be able to read the piece of paper stuck to it. It says; please take. In working order. Well, sad to say, I didn’t take. For a few reasons. Firstly, I don’t think it was aimed at me. Secondly, I don’t know what it is, or what it is supposed to do, and so I won’t know if it is in working order or not. I hope it goes to a good home and to someone who understands what it is and what it does.

I think we should all have badges that say “Please take. In working order”. We don’t have to wear them all the time. Just when and if needed.

Exterminate!

So here’s the set. Built in this order; K9, Tardis, Cyberman head, Dalek. The instructions recommended this order. They said to start with K9 because it was the easiest. What they didn’t say was that the Dalek was- hey, my niece and nephew may read this- let’s say, impossible.

I would like to exterminate this Dalek. I would like to crush it. All these models require no glue- just press out the card pieces and clip them together.Oh, except for the Dalek.

If you buy this kit for anyone, treat it like a UXB. Hand it over and then retreat to some distance. Don’t approach it again until all parts have gone off. Give it as a gift, then run. Leave it to the mums and dads.

Or, be sneaky. Show them how easy it is. Make K9. Hey, make the Tardis. Even have a go at the Cyberman head. Show them it’s do-able. Then run. Fast. Far. And don’t visit again for six months.

Oh, I persevered. I got my brother-in-law to lend a hand. We both struggled. At one point I superglued my fingers together. I know, just press out and clip blah blah blah… like I say, hand over the present and run. Leave the country.

Auntie Claire, you are bad. You are a bad woman hiding back there in the UK. I’ll remember this. You can run but you can’t hide.

Santana Row

No! Not the San Franciscan Latin rock group arguing again. Santana Row is San Jose’s swankiest street of shops. And it’s just a little bit weird.

Firstly, it seems to be far away from what you may think of as the centre of San Jose, or Downtown San Jose; it’s just, sort of, in the middle of nowhere. A street built about five years ago, to supposedly be Northern California’s answer to Rodeo Drive, according to this Wikipedia entry. But what question was Rodeo Drive asking?

There’s fancy shops here, and valet parking and a cinema. And that’s about it. Above the shops are very fancy apartments where people who want to live the Santana Row lifestyle live. They seem to be impossibly glamorous women (who may be 400 years old) and men who walk two dogs at a time… but dogs so small and so manicured, you may at first glance think there’s been a breakout from the Pokemon shop. The dogs are left outside while their owners have coffee and cake here-

And sometimes, the dogs are blown away.

I’ve just realised I started this off with a firstly. Should I go back and delete, or just own up to the absence of a secondly?

I don’t have a secondly.

I have been here twice in the last two days. To go to the cinema. I have seen Doubt, and I have seen Frost/Nixon. I think I will write about them tomorrow.

… Oh, an afterthought. Santana Row does have one of my favourite shops. It’s called Anthrapologie and there’s absolutely nothing in there for me. But it is good for presents. And I like its name. Oh, and I like Urban Outfitters. And Borders.

There is no raccoon here.

This was one of my Christmas gifts to my niece and nephew. There is no raccoon here. I took a photo of it. Look! You can see it. But if you try to pick it up, it isn’t there.That’s because there is no raccoon here. It doesn’t have to be a raccoon. You can choose whatever you like to not be here. What you choose will be somewhere else. But you’ll see it here, even though it’s not here. And that is the explaining about it.

Christmas gifts for men

After trusting me to write a piece on toiletries for men for her daily eco glossy website, greenmystyle.com, my friend Sarah asked me to write some stuff on eco Christmas gifts for ladies to buy for men. You can find my top five pics here.

This get up is what I wore for a BBC3 show called 28 acts in 28 minutes. You can see our minute here. I think it makes me look like a low rent Dylan Jones.

Get bidding for the Willow Foundation

All the canvases for the Willow Foundation Stars on Canvas 2008 event are up for auction from 1pm today. Go on, bid, if you can afford to. All money raised provides special days for young people with life threatening conditions. You can help a great charity and also own an original piece of art. With nearly three hundred to choose from there should be something to take your fancy. Contributors include Theo Walcott, Sir Richard Attenborough, Matt lucas, Frank lampard, Eric Idle, Sally Gunnelll, Ricky Hatton, Arsene Wenger, Timmy Mallet… and David Van Day!, Gordon Ramsey (Blimey! When did he find time?), Nicolas Anelka, Hazel Blears (MP for Salford, hurray!), Jo Brand, Steve Coogan, Sir Henry Cooper, Matt Damon… and me and Trev. Take a look here. Bid. Please.

Here’s three. One by Ricky Hatton, one by Trev Neal, and one by Craig Cash. See if you can guess who did which. Oh, they’re signed. And I’ve listed them in order. Doh!